I always wrestle with myself between what I share with the world and what I keep behind closed doors. I definitely do not assume or think that many people will read this, and I started my blog to put my thoughts, feelings, and most importantly, memories on paper. It is safe to say that the past ten months alone have been a change, a rollercoaster full of so many twists, thrills and turns. This is going to be brief post. However, I want to emphasise how important this particular post is to me because the absence of too many words doesn’t remove the emotion behind them.
As I sit in my flat on a Saturday afternoon in mid-July, the roar of the road, the whir of the DLR and the occasional horn of the boats keep me company through the open balcony door as I hopelessly wish for it to not be 28 degrees inside. Time has flown so fast over the past month that I feel like it’s all happened in a week. This diversion on our lives’ path… it’s not easy to be open about. However, equally, it isn’t healthy to try and skirt around it or not share it when the world is becoming more and more open.
In short, we have decided to not be together anymore.
It isn’t something that we decided lightly, there was a lot of talking, sharing and further thinking. He has been such a light and blessing in my life, my best friend and at times a partner in crime (the figure of speech rather than actually committing a crime). Sometimes what we want and what we think we should want are so different we are caught in the crossfire of our minds, of the two sides of the mental dialogue. Big decisions are not to ever be made hastily. Time is needed to be able to consider all the aspects and distinguish between the reality and the fantasy manifesting within our minds. Life moves in unsuspecting ways, shifts when we least expect it to, and surprises us at the oddest of times.
And I will stumble and fall
I’m still learning to love
Just starting to crawl
I am very concious that this song has some very strong messages, however this is mine. In the lyrics… they are admitting to their mistakes, not only that they made mistakes, but that there will be more. Life is a learning experience, so are love and relationships. In the entirety of experience and knowledge on this subject they are comparing themselves to an infant that is just learning to crawl which reaffirms they have a great deal more to learn.
I respect and care about him so much and we are both doing our best to be supportive, work through the outcome, and look after ourselves and our mental health. It isn’t easy. But, who would expect it to be? I sincerely hope that if a friendship can last, it’ll be ours. You have taught me so many things about myself, about what one can achieve, to follow our passions and be confident. Thank you.
So now, Bear, here’s to the big wide world for both of us.